BBC cookery programmes can no longer feature cooking, in a radical Government overhaul of the broadcaster. No ingredients or cooking methods will be revealed to viewers to stop the BBC competing with supermarket adverts.
The BBC has reassured fans of its cooking output that their favourite celebrity chefs and cookery programmes will continue. New formats based on the skills of the stars and the non-food elements of the show have already been announced for a number of the BBC’s most high profile cookery shows.
Masterchef will now become a fight to the death between amateur chefs, with professional standard cooking equipment the only weapons allowed. The Great British Bake Off will become a competition to find the best baking double entendre. ‘You know “baps”, “French sticks”, “cream squirting” out etc,’ said a BBC spokesperson. ‘Sadly this will mean that Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry will no longer be on the programme. But the good news is they will become the new presenters of Masterchef as they are far better suited to its new violent format.’
The Hairy Bikers will ‘become to food what ‘Top Gear’ is to cars.’ There will be no focus on the actual food but will feature increasingly elaborate tasks and foreign trips with a tenuous link to food. ‘The Hairy Bikers are top blokes with the kind of quality ‘banter’ that the old Top Gear enjoyed – albeit we may have to dial up the controversial comments somewhat,’ the BBC said.
Saturday Kitchen will return with the focus on celebrity interviews while viewers vote whether they will get their ‘heaven’ or ‘hell’ choice from a Pot Noodle or a microwave meal – neither of which are legally classified as food.
Finally Nigella will be filmed seductively eating un-named foods and licking spoons after Culture Secretary John Whittingdale said that this justified the licence fee alone. ‘I know that makes me a very bad boy,” he said. ‘Go on, tell me I’m a bad boy…please.’
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