Fans of the BBC’s popular ‘Masterchef – The Deities’ series were left reeling last night as odds-on favourite Jesus Christ fell at the last hurdle, handing victory on a plate to rank outsider Buddha.
‘Jesus had made the running all the way through,’ said judge Gregg Wallace, ‘but in the final his loaves and fishes signature dish was something of an anti-climax. The flavours were poor and it was undercooked. He didn’t even serve any of those nice chunky chips with it. So disappointing. It was also suspiciously reminiscent of a Birds Eye cod fish finger in breadcrumbs.’
Fellow judge John Torode was also disappointed by Jesus’s final effort. ‘It just lacked the creativity of some of his earlier creations,’ he grumbled, ‘like that magnificent white wine sauce from the semi-final, created out of just a few jeroboams of water.’
Jesus defended his efforts, however, saying that he thought the judges had been overly harsh with their comments. ‘Let’s remember that I was cooking for 5,000 covers at the time. Cooking doesn’t get tougher than that. To be honest it would have been a miracle if I had managed to pull it off.’
Series champion Buddha was also surprised at the result. ‘I thought Jesus was nailed on for the title,’ he said. ‘I was frankly pretty surprised that my minimalist dish with no animals or vegetables in it was enough for the win, but that’s nouvelle cuisine for you, isn’t it.’
Other deities had fallen earlier in the competition. ‘Mohammed blew his chance in the opening round when he refused to taste his cock-a-leekie soup because it was Ramadan,’ explained Wallace. ‘As a result he accidentally left out the seasoning, and that was the end of him. And you should have seen the pickle Vishnu got into in the kitchen – arms tangled up everywhere. It was hilarious, but his jam roly-poly was a right mess.’
Despite his disappointment, Jesus has vowed that this won’t be the last we see of him on the culinary front. ‘You can’t keep a good man down. I’m planning on launching my own range of milk-chocolate eggs. I’ve got a feeling they’ll sell well around Easter time. If only I could think of a good PR stunt to promote them…’